Swallowing Blood

with a yawn and a sigh I slid into the chair
the clip from the bib got stuck in my hair
two nurses asked if I wanted to be numb
"for a cleaning?" I asked, well that sounds dumb
four rubber hands held open my lips
my shoulders straddled by unknown hips

metal chiseled bone
florescent lights shone
and I swallowed my own blood

I could have used some rum
as they stabbed at my gum
but instead I just swallowed some blood

rinse and spit
now lay back down
rinse and spit
now lay back down

tongue dry
I began to cry
as I swallowed my own blood

cheeks tensed up in fear
Feliz Navidad droned in my ear
while I swallowed my own blood

The Moth Ball

"We use deference to show moral superiority." Garrison Keillor said of Midwesterners this past Tuesday night. He wore red samba soccer shoes and a black tux to the Moth Ball, a black and white affair. He brushed past me a few times during the set up and I wanted to jump on his grandfatherly back for a piggy back ride so I could whisper in his ear how integral his maple syrup voice was to my childhood...but that would have been creepy. Garrison loves New York, and he loves to make comparisons between New Yorkers and Midwesterners, so I felt right at home standing in my schmancy raven black attire. The Moth is a non-profit storytelling organization that I've become smitten with in the past few months, and the motto is "You, a microphone, and a story." The story Slams are my favorite, where each storyteller has only 5 minutes to get their tale out to the greedy, judgmental audience. Garrison commented that this is how New Yorkers are: always in a hurry, with only five minutes to get out a story that would, in the Midwest, take at least an afternoon. At certain points in the night I would spy him at his table gazing off into the abyss, his round glasses perched and tilting to the left on his puff of gray hair. He was probably thinking of vast yellow prairies and strawberry lemonade...

Later, I worked the merchandise table and sold Moth t-shirts to the rich, champagne-breathy guests. I watched everyone dance and realized how incredibly similar all people are. Everyone gets this excited/surprised look on their faces when classic songs burst onto a dance floor, like "When Doves Cry" or "Beast of Burden." Everyone is slow to get out there at first, but then busts into the worm suddenly once they've warmed up. Every woman gets a happyjealous look in their eye when their significant other is dancing with a slightly younger, more agile gal, and all (or most) men have difficulty with rhythm. If I learned anything from Garrison and his Saturday night radio broadcasts, it's that we're all the same. We really are.

http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2009/11/18/jonathan-ames-garrison-keillor-and-anna-deveare-smith-headline-annual-moth-ball/

http://www3.timeoutny.com/newyork/tonyblog/2009/11/garrison-keillor-mines-his-recent-stroke-at-the-moth/

Google Voice

With Google Voice, I've recently acquired the ability to have voicemails transcribed into emails. This concept is amazing, and saves me time, as I'm generally on email moreso than on my phone. The little man inside my phone who does the transcribing, though, seems to be a bit drunk. If you have a moment, read these carefully. I promise, you will laugh. I would highlight my favorites, but I'm confident that you'll find your own.

1. You I just got the weirdest voice mail message. It's not your usual sarcastic voicemail message. Helmets, Christine planned home. Tag. You're it. Yeah, Hi, I hope everything is going well and I look forward to speaking to you. 7. Okay bye.

2. Hello Lisa, This is man, checking the status of your lovely wife. Help this transpose is you, you're liking and have a very lovely weekend. Act on you Monday. Bye bye.

3. Yeah alright hey to. Yeah, have, please, please, please. Hiya, yep it through hi to the pat Thursday to the so, Marcia. Ohh yeah it to you via have the birthday to yeah yeah. Hi I to the happy birthday to you to to 2. Please do so. It I can't wait to see how that gets transcribe. Hopefully it says Happy Birthday have like a million times your birthday. It's like 12 01 from your birthday. Hopefully i. When for the first message on your day. I think you know if you standing outside on the porch per month, dot, com looking out on the lake. Call me here in New Hampshire and hope that you have a wonderful day and I will celebrated and I miss you so maybe I'll talk to you when it's not. Yeah night okay. I love you. Talk to you soon in so whom she to you soon day.

4. [Note: This one is perfect, because Paul spoke like a robot.] Cool. Hello Lisa, This is Paul. I thought maybe I would catch you before you got to work but apparently not. I'm calling to say happy birthday and that you are an old lady. You're halfway through your twenties. That's really old. I will call you later. Goodbye.

5. Hello good move. I said the birthday. It's 1 o'clock. Give me a call back when you get this. I'm going to a movie at that you'd be there at 1:15 so hopefully I can talk to you before then. Give me a call back and you're able to 52 a call.

6. Hello Sarah. Alright, back, then up. Bye. And hey, I want you to go messages. Anyways, wanted to wish you A very happy birthday and I love you and miss you and I can't believe you're 20. I have it. Bro Hey Bill, Okay, I will talk to you later. Enjoy your day. Bye.

7. Yeah, Hi Lisa, It's wanted to say Happy Birthday. I hope you're having a good day and so hope you had a good Terry was Joanne clients are right, so if you already have it. If you're having a security yet, but have a wonderful day and hey birthday, big 25. Give me a call if you want wasn't sure. Talk to you soon, call me know if you can. Thanks. Love you bye.

8. Ready pretty fancy stop. I suppose that's what 25 year old, so it is get their voice google give me a proper calling with you're out celebrating. Happy Birthday to you later.

9. [Maggie speaks perfectly. Congrats!] Happy Birthday Lisa, It's, Maggie, I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing. Give me a call if you get a chance but if you're too busy I understand, and we'll catch up soon. Talk to you later. Love you bye.

10. Hey the rooty at. I was hoping to catch you to say Happy Birthday. I hope this gets Tim's dad hi, okay. Hey. Love you lots of birthday wishes, and I'll talk to you soon. Hi sweetie. Bye bye.

11. Hey Alice, Yes, but it's your birthday so I called to say hi, hi. Birthday. I hope you have saddest day. Yes, you've been feverishly personal at my house and I hope you get a chance to call me back and he said, I can't seeing you on a birthday song but if not, I hope use of your own the other side of us will you have any insight you are not an adult. Okay love you bye.

Ok, that's enough. Good day!

Christine

I hadn't even met her and I knew I was going to love her. Her name was Christine and that was all I needed. She came back to work after a yoga retreat in Mexico about a week after I started at Scholastic, her skin: bronze, her demeanor: zen, her mouth: the same as mom's. And so it began.

Christine has answered all of my questions since I've met her, whether she knows it or not. From the most inane work-related questions ("How do I tell the publisher where the files are on our ftp site?") to the deepest love-related questions ("How come my heart feels like it dropped on the ground in a bloody puddle, while in mid-air shattered into ten thousand pieces, and afterwards was eaten by a ravenous boy?") and then all the questions in between, the over-arching one being "How do I fall in love with New York?" How do I get involved with local-eating? Where is the best place for a cartwheel in Prospect Park? How do I hula-hoop? How do I roll a cigarette? Why is everything so heavy all of a sudden? Who should my gynecologist be? Who should my dentist be? Where do I find the best Thai food in Dumbo, in Cobble Hill, in Soho? What do I do about this new pain in my neck? Do the B and the D really go express after Broadway/Lafayette? Where did my sanity go when I fell into the well of corporate America? Is it okay to cry, at any time, anywhere? What is the best Radiohead album? Where should I stay if I go to Belgium?

What am I going to do without you?

Amidst answering all of these questions, Christine somehow came up with a few questions of her own for me. What is that "Marching Bands of Manhattan" song and who is it by and why haven't I heard of them before? What time do you want to eat lunch? Want to come over and eat food? Are you using condoms? Want to go to the beach? Where is the most peaceful, beautiful, incredible place to go in Thailand, and should I take a bus or a train? Will you help me celebrate? Will you help me move?

As I watched Christine prepare herself for a potentially endless journey to the Pacific, I could feel the pieces of me, the pieces of us, begin to tighten up. Christine taught me how to hug with my heart (leaning to the right, rather than to the left, like everyone does), to walk tall like someone is pulling my chest up with a string, to love fully and unconditionally, to cry, cry, cry. And cry I did, like a baby cries for her mother, as I walked away from Christine a few days ago.

The adventure that awaits you will take turns you can't even imagine. May you crash head-first into the beauty of it, swim deep into the blue of it, climb the rocky crags of it, make sweetsweet love to it, gulp down shot after tequila shot of it, and write me when you can.

Note to Self

Halloween, a natural night of contradictions, has always proven to be memorable.  Whether those memories are fuzzy or upside-down, queasy or mind-boggling, I generally look back on them with my hand over my eyes, my head shamefully shaking.  This year, I've decided I'm going to make Halloween resolutions for future Eves of Hallow.

1. If you are sans costume for a neighborhood costume parade, a good trick is to simply drip fake blood from your eyes, nose, and mouth.  Poof! You have become one scary mo-fo.

2. Matching family costumes are a must. Penguins, monkeys, animals in general...

3. When you see a famous actor on your street, try to think of something more clever than "are you an actor?  [yes] oh.... hi...."

4. If you are given the opportunity to take out two underage British boys to show them a good time in New York, do.

5. Read the newspaper.  A lot of costumes have to do with present day events, such as Falcon the balloon boy, which Lindsay taught me about yesterday.

6. No matter how much time you have to spend standing on a chair singing Journey, don't take your eyes off of your wallet.  Yeah.

7. Try to remember to remove all makeup before falling asleep, unless you want Santa's beard all over your pillows.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.