Stanhope

I had the (dis)pleasure of sitting front row at a Doug Stanhope show this past Saturday. I say (dis) because it was far from a pleasure to hear this man speak his words of slurred wisdom, but I must say I walked out carrying a pocketful of something… discouragement? laughs? lost hope for humanity? and a head full of calm rage. Stanhope, in a faded denim shirt which had holes and strings hanging off the arms, swished around his screwdriver, switched over to a jagerbomb which he milked and at times lingered over, mid-sentence, and then went back to the screwdriver for a few more sips. Two Budweisers appeared out of nowhere on his stool, and he’d randomly see those and pick them up too. There was always an unlit cigarette behind his ear, and when he’d finally put it to his lips, he’d pat his pants absentmindedly, realize he didn’t have a lighter, and put the sweaty cancer stick behind his ear again. This was repeated until it eventually fell on the stage and he walked on it without knowing. I felt like I was just with an old college friend who got wasted and would sit and tell us everything that he thought about the world. The only difference is, I paid $25 for Douggy Fresh.

“Do drugs. Don’t have drugs.” Was one of the first things that he announced to his audience.

He also hates the Yankees. But who doesn’t? Oh yeah, the 100 Yankees fans who were at the Highline Ballroom that night.

He had a lot to slur about the World Cup… how watching soccer is like watching the Deadliest Catch: you watch, at the edge of your seat, and wait for something to happen, and wait, and wait, and nothing happens, and nothing happens, and you’re waiting, and you’re watching, and then, all of a sudden in the end, nothing happens. True, but soccer is so much more than that.

He did bring up an interesting point about travelling in Europe. He said whenever he used to go there he’d have to defend himself because people would say, “hey, you’re American, you’re George Bush, therefore I hate you.” Having gone through that exact experience everywhere I’ve travelled, I could agree with the old waste-case. He then went on to say that it would be nice if we could make fun of their governmental choices for once: “Yeah, our democratically elected Commander in Chief was a d-bag, but who are your leaders again? Kings? Queens? Wizards? Dukes? Earls? What is this, a country or a Renaissance festival?” Nice.

When he wasn’t spilling his drink, staring blankly into the lights, yelling at people for taking pictures of him, or burping, the guy was pretty funny. He mentioned that he thought this big change was going to happen in the world when he became a comedian, that he was going to make a difference by telling people how things really are. Nothing has changed though, so he’s reverted to being a downspiraling whoremonger with nowhere to turn but the bottle. Glad I caught the show before he pulls a Heath Ledger.

The guy who opened for him, Jamie Kilstein (who was breathlessly awesome) had quite a few winners, the best of which was simply this: “If god created everything, he created the atomic bomb.” Yes he did. Yes he did.